How Childhood Experiences Can Shape Adult Life
Trauma that occurs during childhood, as we've discussed, can deeply impact someone in adulthood. The nervous system is in charge of many of these effects. There are several different ways that childhood trauma affects adults, and it would take too much time to discuss all possible ways! However, the effects can generally be boiled down into several general categories.
Relationships
Whether the relationships are with peers/coworkers, friends, family, or romantic partners, our relationships are impacted by traumatic experiences. How we see and interpret the actions of others is impacted. People may expect to be abandoned, may have a hard time setting boundaries, feeling lonely around others, avoiding conflict, or have difficulty trusting others. The brain learns from repeated experiences and forms expectations or predictions on what is likely to happen. Trauma shapes how we experience connection. When repeated painful experiences have happened, often these expectations or predictions come from a place of stress rather than a healthy and secure place. Even if you know that the past isn't necessarily repeating, it's hard to fully believe that some people are different than the person or people who caused pain.
Caregiver or parental relationships during childhood can feel inconsistent, emotionally unsafe, emotionally absent, or unpredictable, and these repeated experiences create attachment wounds later in life. When a child's emotional needs are consistently not met, this is childhood emotional neglect. Attachment therapy can help you resolve emotionally "stuck" memories that come from unmet needs or trauma. People begin to feel more secure within themselves and feel more genuinely connected in their relationships.
Some people harbor resentment towards their parents, and other people have really positive relationships with their parents. During therapy, either of these feelings towards parents are okay. If you fear that therapy will be about talking negatively towards parents or speaking of them as if they are horrible people, please let me explain! Our goal isn't to assign blame to anyone, and we can explore the ways you've felt supported by them during childhood. Rather than blaming others, we explore the impact of things that happened. No one is perfect. There are many well-intentioned parents who may have tried their best, but their child is left with some things that feel emotionally unresolved or they still feel impacted by what happened.
Identity
Childhood trauma can shape an adult's sense of self and identity. This impacts self worth and how someone sees themselves. Sometimes people may form an identity with their unhealed patterns / wounds, such as thinking of themselves as different or believing that others see them negatively. During childhood, identity is still developing, and how others interact with us "teaches" us who we are. People begin seeing themselves negatively, such as "I am worthless", "my needs matter less than others' needs", or "I am flawed or different". Identity and how someone sees themselves can be deeply impacted when trauma, attachment wounds, or childhood emotional neglect occur.
Nervous System
The nervous system is the body's threat response system, and goes online when the brain interprets something as potentially dangerous. The nervous system helps people stay safe and is a wonderful thing. However, when trauma occurs, the brain's predictions or interpretations about what is safe and unsafe may be more sensitive than it needs to be. The brain also interprets relational stressors as physical threats (more about this is on anxiety page). Often when people experience past trauma and their brain determines that something is a threat, their nervous system shifts into survival mode. If the nervous system senses danger, even if the environment is completely safe, the person may find it hard to feel truly relaxed and calm.
Common experiences when the nervous system goes into survival mode are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, irritable, shut down, exhausted, on edge, irritable/angry, or emotionally numb. Many people with complex trauma have a nervous system that is almost always in survival mode, making day-to-day living really challenging.
Protective Behaviors
When you have past trauma, you're wired to try to protect yourself and prevent it from happening again. In trauma therapy, we view your behaviors from a lens of compassion and understanding. Your behaviors, even if you don't like them, formed to keep you safe. Protective behaviors can include:
Hypervigilance (being on guard)
Difficulty setting boundaries
Avoiding conflict
Avoiding social situations or withdrawing
Seeking reassurance
Difficulty asking for help
Overworking (staying busy or distracting yourself)
Intellectualizing (analyzing what you're experiencing rather than feeling or being fully present)
Being self critical
Walking on eggshells
Minimizing your own needs
This is only a small list, and in therapy, we can identify and explore the ways you might be protecting yourself. Many people who do this work are capable and intelligent, and may carry unresolved experiences that still might be impacting them. Therapy provides a nonjudgmental space to process things.